


Not Sad I Said "I Do", Just Glad I'm Stuck With You

by kaijuvenom



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: 5x12, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Humor, How 5x12 Should Have Gone, M/M, Marriage, Mostly Canon Compliant, Victor Zsasz Is The Minister For Ed And Oswald's Wedding, Wedding, and Ed was released from Arkham after the ten years instead of breaking out, the only non-canon compliant thing is that tabby is still alive and she's with barbara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 16:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20246089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaijuvenom/pseuds/kaijuvenom
Summary: After ten years of contact only through letters, Oswald and Ed are finally together again, and they're not wasting anymore time. They're getting married, immediately. With Victor Zsasz as the ordained minister and Jim, Barbara, Firefly, and pretty much every other troublemaker as a guest, how can this day possibly go wrong?





	Not Sad I Said "I Do", Just Glad I'm Stuck With You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in about three hours and I didn't edit or spellcheck. This is my first Gotham fic in at least two years, and I wanted to get back into it with this short thing before I started writing my other planned Gotham fic, which will be very long and very not canon-compliant.

The first question on Jim Gordon’s mind when he received the glossy black invitation that, in green lettering, told him his presence was requested at the wedding of Oswald Cobblepot and Edward Nygma was, “Do you think they’re actually going to get married just to have an excuse to put everyone they hate in the same room and blow it up?”

Harvey glanced up from his own invitation. “You think they’re gonna Red Wedding it?”

“What else would they be doing it for?” 

Harvey shrugged, not giving Jim any other suggestions. “Dunno, but it’s obviously a trap.”

“So we obviously have to go.” 

***

Barbara spun the invitation around in her fingers, frowning as she glanced over at Tabitha. “It says I can bring a plus one.” 

“Uh, yeah, thanks but no thanks. Why don’t you ask Silena?”

“I got my own,” Silena interrupted from across the room, and Tabby rolled her eyes. “Aw, are you jealous?” 

Tabby made an exaggerated gagging noise. “Did you forget Oswald killed my boyfriend?”

“Did you forget you killed his mom?” Barbara countered, not with any conviction. 

“Did you forget Ed chopped my hand off?”

“Jeez, that was like, twelve years ago. Let bygones be bygones,” Silena muttered, leaping off the bar counter and giving them both a two fingered salute before ducking out the open window. 

“Whatever. I’m not going. You two have fun,” Tabby said after a moment of silence. 

“Sure thing, babe.” 

***

Ivy looked bored. She had turned the invitation into a little patch of flowers on the floor, sighing dramatically. “Come with me?” She asked Firefly, who had just walked in the room, holding her own invitation. 

“Sure. Not like I have anything better to be doing.”

***

Oswald had gotten out of Blackgate about a week before Ed was out of Arkham, with his brand new certificate declaring him sane. Oswald picked him up in his limo, and Ed wasted absolutely no time making up for the fact that they hadn’t seen each other in almost ten years. Letters absolutely did not count. 

“Damn, it’s good to see you,” he muttered, his lips against Oswald’s and his smile impossibly wide. 

“You ready to get married?” Oswald asked, his grin matching Ed’s. 

“What is mine, but only you can have?” 

Oswald paused for half a second, only just now realizing how much he’d missed Ed’s never-ending riddles, they were much less fun in letters than in real life, and his smile turned soft as he stared into Ed’s eyes. “Your heart.”

“Please be gentle with it.” 

“I could never be anything but.” They stared at each other for a little while longer, before Oswald cleared his throat, brushing a hand through Ed’s hair. “Arkham still doesn’t offer haircuts, I guess.” 

Ed blew a strand of hair out of his eyes, and it just flopped back to where it had been before. “Please tell me you got me an appointment with your hair stylist. And tailor.”

Oswald scoffed, opening the limo door and ushering Ed inside. “I’d be an absolutely horrendous fiancé if I let you get married looking like that.” 

***

“Ladies! Gentlemen! Aaaaaaand others!” Victor Zsasz looked and sounded like he’d just drunk twelve red bulls and a case of six hour energy, and Jim Gordon’s head already hurt. So far, this seemed to be a perfectly normal wedding. Aside from the fact that it was two psychopaths getting married. He had to admit- they both looked genuinely happy up there, and he didn’t think that level of adoration could be faked.

“We! Are gathered here today to recognize something magical. Something that seems to have disappeared in our society. Something so rare and beautiful, we have come together to partake and share in the joy it gives off.” He paused dramatically, raising his hands and clearing his throat.

“I am, of course, talking about the open bar.” 

“Hear hear,” Harvey muttered under his breath from next to Jim.

“I’m kidding, obviously. These two are getting married. Finally.” He gestured at Ed and Oswald, rolling his eyes as he leaned forward against the podium he was standing behind, unhooking the microphone from its place to hold it closer as he casually leaned on the podium. “Marriage is great, ya know? I’d never do it myself, too much paperwork, but for other people, it’s just great. Having that one special person you can wake up to, and eat every meal with, and spend every day with, over and over and over and over and… you get the idea.” He’d paused in his speech when Oswald cleared his throat and glared at him pointedly. 

“Anyway, what comes next? Oh! If anyone has any objections to the union of these two, speak now or forever hold your subtweets.” Victor glanced around the room, frowning. “Come on, these two are notorious criminals who just got out of Blackgate and Arkham respectively, they’ve both tried to kill each other like eight times! And no one has any objections?” He booed loudly into the microphone. “Booooooring.” 

“Well, moving on then. So, I memorized the wedding vows, you know, ‘I take thee, to have and to hold, death do us part, sickness and health’, yada yada, but then these bozos told me they wrote their own vows. So I wasted a good five minutes of my life, thanks a lot.” He gestured at Ed, handing him the microphone. 

“So go ahead, I guess.”

Ed swallowed, holding the microphone with shaky hands. He stared down at his shoes, shifting uncomfortably before looking back up, staring at Oswald’s forehead to avoid his eyes.

“Oswald. I promised Zsasz I wouldn’t ask more than one riddle. So I’ll try to keep that promise.” He cleared his throat, taking a deep breath. “I- I once told you I’d do anything for you. Then I shot you in the stomach and pushed you off a pier. I deeply regret one of those things.” He shifted, the glitter on his green suit jacket sparkling in the light. 

“I’ve never felt more whole than when I’m with you. There’s an old Greek myth that says when humans were created, they were too powerful, and their power scared the gods, so they split each human in half, so we’re constantly searching for that other half to make us stronger.

“Bonded by the red string of fate, forced apart by things unknown, nearly impossible to locate, but once found, I will always be called your own. What am I?” There was a moment of silence before Ed answered his own riddle. “A soulmate. That’s what you are, Oswald. Everything we’ve been through, all the hate, the love, the parts where the hate and love were indistinguishable, it all made this inevitable. And wherever we go after this, I know that nothing can make me stop caring about you. Nothing.”

Oswald had tears falling down his cheeks, and Ed hastily wiped them away for him, being careful not to smudge his makeup, before he handed Oswald the microphone with a soft, ‘your turn’. 

“Ed. Edward. Um. You never met my mother. I talked about her a lot, and I told you stories, but you never got to meet her. She would have loved you, I know it. She would’ve loved you because of how happy you make me, how sweet you are, and handsome and kind. You’re a good cook, and you’re the smartest man in Gotham, and- and everything about that, she would love. I know she would.”

Oswald paused to clear his throat as Ed wiped his eyes for him again. “I don’t know how appropriate it is to bring up your future husband’s ex girlfriend who you had killed in your wedding vows, but it’s important to my story. The day you met Isabelle. Isabella. Whatever. We were supposed to have dinner together, and you didn’t show up, so you never got to hear the important thing I had to tell you. Which really sucks because I had a whole speech planned out, so I’m going to say part of that now.”

Ed was grinning, like he didn’t really mind the fact that Oswald had brought up his dead girlfriend and gotten her name wrong. And in all honesty, he didn’t. 

“My mother told me that life only gives you one true love. And when you find it, run to it. Never let it go, and hold it close. So that’s exactly what I intend to do. Because, Edward Nygma, I cannot be bought, but I can be stolen with one glance. I’m worthless to one,” he held up his index finger, and Ed mirrored his movement, “but priceless to two.” He brought his other hand up, bringing the two fingers together, and Ed did the same, and they both brought their fingers up, then out and down, and back together at a point, making a heart in the air, just like Edward had so long ago, when he’d first told Oswald this riddle. “I love you.” 

There was a long silence as they stared at each other, both of them crying, before Victor reached over and plucked the microphone out of Oswald’s hand. 

“Now, wasn’t that sweet? Just adorable. Now hold hands, let’s get this show on the goddamn road. Ahem. Edward Nygma, do you take this man, Oswald Cobblepot, as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, through sickness and in health, sanity and Arkham visits, and to always break him out of prison, ’til death do you part?”

Ed nodded forcefully before answering. “I do.” His voice cracked, and now it was Oswald’s turn to wipe his eyes for him. 

“Cool beans. Alright, Oswald Cobblepot, do you take this man, Edward Nygma, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, through sickness and in health, riddles and garish green suits, and to never let his hair grow past his ears because he really can_not _pull that off, ’til death do you part?” 

“Fuck yes. I do.”

“Sweet.” Victor paused dramatically, grabbing a piece of paper off his podium. “By the power invested in me, by the city of Gotham,” he held out the piece of paper, which looked like some sort of certificate, “seriously, these two made me get ordained legally to marry them. This is real. You can examine this all you like. It’s real. I’m ordained.”

Oswald coughed pointedly, glaring at Victor.

“Right. Anyway, by the power invested in me, by the city of Gotham, I now pronounce you man and husband. And now is the time where I say the part Ed bribed me to.” He pulled another piece of paper off his podium, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Of use to no one, but bliss to two. The baby’s right, the lover’s privilege, the hypocrite’s mask. To the young; faith, to the old; hope. What am I?”

There was a long pause, before Victor stage-whispered into the microphone. “_It was kiss. You may now kiss your husband_.”

“Oh,” was Oswald’s response, before he was being kissed very passionately by Edward Nygma, his husband. 

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: @kaijuvenom
> 
> also,,,, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShMajikZ8wM


End file.
